January 29, 2002
My name is Dawn C.
I am a 24 year old mother of one living child who is 7 years old.
I got pregnant with my son when I was 16 years old and gave birth to him at 17. My parents were not happy with it mainly because my mother has just had her tubes untied to have a baby with her husband, my stepfather.
Eventually they became supportive and I lived with them in their home.
1 1/2 years after my son was born, I became pregnant with a second child. I was in an abusive relationship and my then b-friend threatened to kill my son, myself and my family. I was going to keep my baby but I didn't want to have a child with this cruel man, and I couldn't bring another child into my parents' house.
I waited too long and had an abortion at 16 weeks pregnant. It was the most horrible thing I have experienced.
The doctor who performed the procedure was very mean to me. I was crying from the time I walked into the office until the time I went to sleep that night. He kept telling me to stop crying, I was going to scare the other patients. I was so ashamed. I remember looking up at the ceiling that had been painted with clouds and crying for my baby and my grandmother who had recently passed away.
When it was over, I cried for my baby to come back to me. Later that evening, I got a really high fever and pains and was taken to the ER. I had developed an infection in my uterus. I was put on antibiotics and went home a day later.
I thought I was going on with my life. I never really grieved or talked about it. I didn't feel I had the right.
The next year I decided to try to make things work with my son's father. We also had a stormy relationship with abuse and even rape. I thought I was doing what was right for my son but it turned out ugly.
I found out I was pregnant again. I was devastated. I felt so stupid for not protecting myself. This was my fault. And so, I went for another abortion. This time my baby was 8 weeks.
I don't remember much of how I felt during this one because I had blocked it out of my mind from the door.
There were pro-life protesters waiting at the driveway when I pulled in for the procedure. When I got out they were calling me a murderer and baby killer. I cried and cried. I cried in the waiting room and there were other women there, but no one else was crying.
Then they called me in and I blocked it out. I cried all the way home and all night.
I truly was a baby killer… not once but twice.
Its been 6 years now since the first abortion I had and I am just starting to come to terms with it. I have been crying lately and trying to mourn my babies.
If my baby was a girl, she was going to be named Precious Monteal. I didn't think of any boy names because I just had a feeling she was a girl.
The second baby I was pretty numb by that time, but am paying the price now. I often break down and cry for my babies and ask for their forgiveness.
I have recently sent letters to both of the clinics asking for my medical records to help me come to terms with this and for some kind of closure. No answers yet.
If I could turn back time I would have never had those abortions. I would have 3 beautiful children today… my 7 year old son, a 6 year old child and a 5 year old child. I hope my babies forgive me because I have never forgotten them.
