February 12, 2002
Hi, my name is Ila H., and I am 26yrs old.
I hope my story will help someone.
When I met my boyfriend he was like a night in shining armor to me. He was in college he was so focused and goal oriented that I thought wow this is really the one for me. He had traveled alot more than I had and I was so trusting.
I confided in him how I couldn't wait to move out of my mother's house and how I wanted to go to college like him.
I was 21yrs old and I already had a child and was a single parent. When I became pregnant I was so happy and all I knew was that there was a child inside of me, and I loved her father very much. I say her because I just had the feeling it was a little girl.
I called my boyfriend when I got home and told him the news. He was so quiet, at first, I didn't think that he heard me. Then I said, well aren't you happy were going to have a baby?
He said yeah we are and for the next couple of days he was so distant.
I was so confused all I could think was this is not the man I know.
Finally after about 2 wks he asked what was I planning to do, and still being ignorant I said I plan to have the baby what do you think I'm planning to do?
That's when all of a sudden he started screaming you are so stupid and dumb and deceitful. How do you think I could have a baby with someone so deceitful.
By this time I was crying hysterically and I said how could you call me deceitful and he said that I should not have gotten pregnant and I told him I did not do this alone.
He was so mean to me and unsupportive. He told me I would never be able to move out of my mother's house and how was I ever going to go back to school if I have a second child? He said I would be
alone because he would have nothing to do with the baby and what did I think my mother would say when I told her I was pregnant?
I was so scared and alone and I told no one. At first I was just so shocked that I could not even function for days.
I believed everything he said and I still thought I could change his mind if only he would just bond somehow with baby while it was inside me. When I went to see him I begged him to touch my stomach, but he would not, and he said if I insisted on having this baby he would not talk to me ever again.
Then he asked me to leave.
I walked the streets crying for about 2 hrs because I just felt so abandoned.
I told him I was having the baby and he couldn't chang my mind.
After 7 weeks of him calling me everyday and badgering me to have an abortion, I finally said ok, and he came to pick me up in a cab that morning and practically dragged me by the arm to the clinic.
Even sitting in the clinic I begged him to let me have the baby. By this time I was so convinced that I could not do it alone again.
I felt so weak and sad.
When I got on the table I yelled out I can't do this I want my baby but after that the drugs put me to sleep already, I remember knocking the doctor's tray of tools on the floor.
When I woke up my baby was gone and so was my heart and soul.
After the abortion my boyfriend said everything would be ok now. The baby is gone and now I would be fine.
I will tell you how fine I have been.
I was on 8 different anti-depressants because all I dreamed of night and day was my baby.
I was so guilt ridden, and I wanted my baby so bad, but I could not take back what I had done.
I was so depressed and tired of all the pain that I actually tried to commit suicide by taking an overdose of pills.
I spent three days in the hospital, and was given more drugs to make me feel better.
They never work because this is a matter of the heart, and there is no medication that will cure your heartache for your precious baby.
I have been through all types of therapy and support groups. It will be 5yrs this March and every September is horrible for me because that is when my baby was due.
She was actually due on her father's birthday. The father that wanted nothing to do with her.
I have good and bad days but I tell my story becuase had I known that there was someone else that I could have talked to it would have made all the difference in the world.
It is your baby. Please don't let anyone tell you your precious angel is better off not coming into the world.
I have been to the darkest place possible. I don't want anyone else to go through what I did. You have choices, and hope. You just have to believe in god.
After I had my abortion, 6 months later, I got a great paying job and a brand new apartment with an extra bedroom.
You could imagine my horror thinking if only I believed in my faith, and just held out, not only would I have had a great job, but the baby would have had it's own room.
Please hold on to your sweet child. The people that force you to consider abortion do not feel the pain, but you will.
