July 08, 2000
My experience began in 1974 when I was 15. I became pregnant and tried to "take care of it" myself, without telling my parents but was not successful because I was too many weeks along. When I finally told my mother, she didn't discuss any options with me, or give me any choices. She put me in the car and took me to an abortion clinic.
They performed the procedure anyway, even though I was over the 12-week limit. They said it would just take a little longer and hurt a little more.
At that time I knew nothing about the debate of when life begins or even that some people consider abortion wrong. Abortion was legal, (had just been legalized the year before) the government approved of it, it must be OK. So why did I feel so bad? Why did I quit going out with my friends? There was something very wrong inside me. I was even physically ill for a time, an illness the doctor apparently thought was psychosomatic judging by the Placebo he prescribed for me.
Eventually those feelings went away or sunk so far inside that I didn't even know they were there any more. And just to make sure I didn't feel them I stayed high for the next 8 or 9 years. I didn't like myself, or the world we lived in, I had no hope for the future.
I finally started to sober up a bit. Got married, had a baby. When my daughter was about four she started asking me questions about God, questions that I couldn't answer. So we started going to church. At church I learnedabout God's love and forgiveness and stared to like myself again, I could see a future. I had hope. Life was good.
It wasn't until I was pregnant with my third child that I realized what I had done, some 20 years earlier. One morning God woke me up from a deep sleep and revealed to me the horror of it all. I mourned for my baby, the baby I would never hold. It was devastating, like it had just happened yesterday, not 20 years ago. I cried all the time, but only when I was alone because I thought it was silly to be upset over something that had happened so long ago and that I couldn't change.
But God's timing is good. One Sunday in our church bulletin was an announcement for a P.A.C.E. bible study. That's Post Abortion Counseling and Education. I decided right then and there that I was going to attend. That bible study was the beginning of my healing. I found great comfort in sharing with, confiding in, and crying with other women who had similar experiences, women who I knew were not going to judge me.
I experienced God's forgiveness and love all over again. His love taught me to forgive myself for what I had done. He taught me how to love in a bigger and better way. I would never have believed it was possible to love my children more than I did but I do love them more, or better, now. And my marriage keeps getting better. All because I know God forgives me and loves me. He can take our sorrows, the bad things that happen to us and turn them too good.
I am a volunteer counselor now, helping young girls who think they might be pregnant. I teach them about abstinence or find the help they need with prenatal care or an adoption plan. I often have the opportunity to help them choose life for their unborn babies. Praise God.
