April 29, 2001
I became pregnant at 15 years old. I was coaxed by mother to have an abortion because I was too young to be a mother and it would only complicate my life. So, I did. I was 3 months pregnant.
I can remember laying on that bed with my legs spread wide apart. I was shaking and scared. My mother was on the left side of the bed holding my hand. I remember the doctor coming in and saying that I could change my mind if I wanted to. She continued to assure me that I had made the right choice. Now, I would be able to finish high school and still continue hanging out with my friends. She told me I wouldn't have to worry about stretch marks or being fat. She said that I was too young to be bothered with those things. I would be able to enjoy my life.
I remember thinking is that right? Should I do this?
The doctor stood between my legs and her assistant stood on the right side of me. She rolled out this little machine that had a tube connected to it. She went to a tray and picked up this object that looked like a straw. You know the kind that you get with a slurpee? It had a spoon at the bottom just like a slurpee straw. The doctor gently pointed that out to me and explained that she was going to place it inside of me and I would hear a vacuum sound.
She told me to focus on the pretty butterfly on the ceiling. I looked at the shiny butterfly… sorta staring through it. I kept whispering inside my head "I'm sorry, I'm sorry…"
The machine was turned on, there it sounded like a vacuum sitting still on the floor. The slurpee straw was placed inside me, there was a sharp pain that ran through my stomach, I clenched my mothers hands. The doctor told me that I would hear a suction sound next. It was a tugging sound. Vroom… vroom… vroom… vroom… vroom and then a long sllllllluuuuuurrrrpppp. Over.
I got up from the table and they put me in the recuperation room for half of an hour. Then I got up ate the decorative cookies and juice that they had there and went out for pizza. I knew I had done the right thing. Now I could go on with my life. No hassles.
Two years later I was pregnant again. I opted to keep my baby this time even though the baby's father wanted nothing to do with with the baby. I was seventeen years old.
At three months along I went to the doctors and had an ultra sound. They gave me a picture of the baby. The doctor said it was one of the clearest pictures she'd ever seen. And that it should be used in a medical book as an example of how a baby looks at 3 months along.
I took it to school to show all of my friends. You could see outlines of the little arms, the little legs and feet, and the little tummy, and a little nose!!!! I was so proud!
At about 4 1/2 months I felt a little flutter in my tummy! I felt the baby move! I really was having a baby and it was alive!
I went in where my dad was sitting and told him that I had felt my baby move. That is when I remembered the time that I was 15 years old and had an abortion at 3 months along.
I told my dad that now I knew for sure that I had killed my baby. I wasn't sure before because I had never felt the life inside me. If only I had waited another month and a half! There would have been no way in hell that I would have terminated my pregnancy!
What was so funny was that my father was a radical pro-lifer. He was one of the people that would stand on the streets and protest the abortion clinics. I personally always thought that they weren't doing any good for their cause. But, what really started eating me up was the fact that my father was so against abortions. Yet, when I became pregnant he put all of that aside and told me that if I wanted one to get one. And try to go on with my life.
I was so confused. I remember I sat the whole 3 months going back and forth. Should I? Shouldn't I? I didn't know what to do! I knew what I wanted. I knew what was right. But, I let people, like Planned Parenthood, with their liberal thinking tell me what they thought. I let my mother tell me that my boyfriend would break up with me.
I listened to what everyone said except what my heart said!
I was only fifteen years old, everyone assured me that I had no idea what I wanted out of life. Which I agree. Most 15 year olds have no idea what they want or what will result from their actions.
I spent the next few months having re-ocurring bad dreams. The suctioning sound went through my head haunting me. Everytime I saw a little toddler my heart would bleed. I was horrified at the fact that I had done away with a child. My child.
For a long time I blamed my mother and my father for making me kill my baby. They've felt the pain that I've felt. They've also felt the guilt and shared it with me.
I am now married with 4 of my own children. Beautiful babies. All of which God has blessed me with. I hear the pitter patter of tiny feet through my house.
Most of the time I don't think about my abortion when I was younger. I'm a grown woman now and that was years ago. A mistake I can never undo. But, there are times when I'll be watching TV and the subject will come up. And I'll feel a little bad.
I remember watching a preacher talk about abortion on TV not too long ago. I was visiting my parents. I don't remember exactly what the preacher said but in a way it was very uplifting. I asked my dad if when I got to heaven and my baby was there, will she (I think it was a girl) know who I am? Will I be able to hold her and hug her and tell her that I'm sorry? And that I loved her? Yeah, most of the time I feel bad. But, there are some times when I feel rotten. And I know when I look into my beautiful babies eyes that god has truly blessed me. But, I also know that no matter how many children I have, there will always be one missing. Now, this is why I am dead set against abortions. For one they murder innocent babies. For two the leave behind scars.
Young girls should not be faced with the decision to have an abortion. They shouldn't be handed condoms and told that we know that they're going to do it and that we can't stop them, so they should at least be safe about it. Our girls need to be taught BY THEIR MOTHERS that sex is something that is shared between a husband and his wife. It is an act of love that should never be done out of wedlock.
And if by chance that a young girl does get pregnant she needs to have people hold out their arms and embrace her. Care for her. Help her take responsibilty for her actions. Either by having the baby and placing with a family or by keeping the baby and taking on the responsibilities of being that child's mother.
And for the record, just because a teen has a baby doesn't mean that it is the end of the world. She can still make something of herself. I did. I'm not saying that it was alright that I was a teen mother. What I'm saying is that I managed. Sure, I had to grow up quicker than my friends did. I didn't get to go to prom. And I didn't graduate. But, I did get a G.E.D. and I have an early childhood education degree. That's not much I know. But, I look at my son and I smile. He's wonderful. Beautiful. My life. What I live for. Just as wonderful and beautiful as the other baby that I will never know.
To any teen age girls out there that are considering abortion read this. It's the story they don't want you to hear. My story.
