December 10, 2001
I found out I was pregnant in the middle of spirit week at school.
A week or so before my mom had questioned me about my weight gain and how I had been sick like every morning that week. I was so panicky when I found out that I went and bought more pregnancy tests and I went to the Health Services to get my results double checked.
I found out that I was 6 weeks pregnant and the first thing I asked for was abortion information, because I told myself thats always what I would do if I ever got in that situation.
Of course I had heard the horrible things about abortions that I thought could never actually be true. I took the information home, clearly leaning towards what I thought of it then, something growing inside of me.
I had to break the news to my parents, who obviously were pretty upset because their daughter had gotten pregnant.
Only when I stopped to think 3 or 4 days later that this is my first baby, its MY BABY. How could I kill my own baby? I eventually could not make a decision and kept putting it off.
Nine days later I went to the abortion clinic in a nearby town and had it done. That was the worst experience of my whole, entire life.
Before it happened, I was totally numb and had no feeling. My mom took me there and she started crying as I went into the office room, knowing that I would come back not as a whole person, without my baby.
The only time I started crying was after I saw the vacuum tube fill up with blood and I knew that my baby was gone forever. In the recovery room all I kept thinking was how stupid are you, you had a little person inside of you and all you did was kill it.
It has been two months since then and I have just been waiting for my car to get smashed in and kill me or waiting for God to come down and send me to hell.
Basically, ever since that day, I haven't slept a straight night. I haven't allowed anyone near me, don't let anyone bump into me. I am never happy, and I feel bad if I do let myself smile or laugh, and basically just feel like crap all the time.
I just hope that if someone out there reads this, they will realize that all this is the truth, abortion isn't just a medial procedure, but its something that you carry around for the rest of your life, regretting.
Believe me, I wish every night I wish I could either go back to that day and change it or die so I can be with my baby and take care of it.
