February 03, 2003
Well, for the very first time in my life I am admitting it: I have had 2 abortions.
Thanks to God I am still alive. I never had the heart to tell anyone about this, not even the guy who fathered my children at the time.
The first time I was only 15 years old. Just dropped out of high school, had no work and living with my aunt and her 4 children.
I honestly didn't know how I was to take care of my child without making a complete mess of everything. My mother had me when she was 20 and even then she was too young. She is still too young; never took responsibility for me and my brothers and sister and as the oldest I had to make something out of my life so I could take care of them. How could I take care of my child when I couldn't even take care of myself yet?
I had so many dreams, I needed to achieve so many things, and there was no way I could handle a child. It was difficult, but I persuaded myself to have that abortion. I knew it was wrong in the eyes of God. I knew I couldn't raise a child without any resources.
My family would have killed me if they found out I was pregnant and my 33 year old boyfriend would have wanted me to have the baby. He would have taken it from me, and worst of all, abortions are illegal in my country.
I really didn't know what to do and, at that time, I thought it was the best thing, so I did it. I made an appointment with a doctor who had done an abortion for someone I knew.
Well, the truth is, I don't remember the details of that day. All I know is, I was lying on that bed with my legs wide apart and he was busy inside my womb.
It was the most excruciating pain I had ever felt. I thought I was going to die, it really hurt.
After that I swore I would never have unprotected sex unless I was 100% sure I wanted a child, and I never did, not once more without a condom.
That is why, 2 years later, I couldn't understand why I missed my period.
Well, I bought a pregnancy test, and, oh yes, I was going to be a mommy.
The situation had not changed much by now. I had a job, but not much money and, so, once again I decided to do it, this time with a lot more regret than the first.
I had a different doctor who sedated me. When I woke up, he told me it was over and I could expect some light bleeding for a few days. I got some medication and went home.
I was really weak and my belly hurt ,but not as much as the first time.
That night I was lying in bed and the pain became more severe. I was bleeding a lot and my vagina hurt I had to go to the toilet.
I pulled down my underwear and sat on the toilet. I noticed the my sanitary napkin was completely soaked so I started to remove it from my underwear when I saw a piece of bone.
For a moment I didn't know what to think. I took it in my hand… there was flesh on it. It was my baby… I just killed my baby. Oh, my God, I thought the pain from the abortion was bad. But, the pain I felt in my heart and the pain I have continued to feel, was and is the worst thing ever. I just wanted to die. There was no way I could live with myself after this.
I had to go back to the doctor for a post examination, but I thought it was better if it killed me. I didn't want to be looked after.
I bled for days without caring. My grandma saw me one day and told me I needed to go to the doctor. Until this day I don't know why she had that idea, but, even though I refused over and over again, she kept on insisting. She took me to the doctor. I was really weak, and tired.
At the doctor's office, I went in alone. He told me he had to clean out my uterus. I really didn't care. I told him he had to put me to sleep again, otherwise I couldn't let him do it.
He did. So, once again, I slept through it.
When I woke up, my grandma was still waiting for me outside. We never spoke about it and she never asked any questions except if I was gonna be alright.
After that day I always knew something was wrong with me. I was not the same anymore. I did not care anymore about anyone or anything, not even myself.
I just wanted to disappear from this life. I tried to take my own life a few times without success, I guess somewhere, deep down, I still needed to live.
My belly never felt the same anymore, and I was convinced I could never conceive again.
The odour and my vaginal fluids changed. No matter how often I showered, I had a foul scent. It smelled like I was decaying from inside.
At first I did not care, then I met this guy, fell in love and got married. Before I could start having unprotected sex with him I just had to make sure we did not have any STDs.
We went to the doctor and I had all those tests done, they were all negative. So that was not why I smelled so bad.
Well, he wanted a child, and I thought I would also have felt better if I had a baby too. We tried for months and nothing happened, so we went to a fertility clinic overseas.
I didn't really tell them what happened to me before, I could not admit it to my husband. So, I said I have had a miscarriage. Well, they believed me.
They investigated all sorts of stuff to find out why I was not getting pregnant. During those examinations they did an ultrasound. I could see my uterus and while everything looked ok, there was this white spot that bothered me.
I asked the doctor what it was, and she said it was nothing, probably just a scar from my miscarriage. They concluded that I was fertile since I produced my eggs on time and all my hormones were normal. They said to just keep trying.
I was convinced there was more to it than that. I knew my body, and something was wrong. That was about 4 years ago.
Well, I still don't know how to react towards it. About a week ago, my menstruation was unusually heavy and just like seven years ago… there was a piece of bone on my sanitary napkin. I still don't know how to react, it is like seeing a piece of my dead baby again. It really rips me apart and the fact that I carried it around so long in my body horrifies me. But, the scent from my vagina has disappeared, and I have strange hope inside of me. The kind of hope that says… You have paid the price for your sins now it is time to move on.
Thank you God for forgiving me and giving me another chance. I have a feeling I can get pregnant again, and now I am ready. I am gonna be the best mommy in the world.
* Not her real name
