February 25, 2003
I was so in love. Thought he was too. That's why I wasn't concerned with condoms or getting my Depo shot. We knew it was going to happen, but it didn't really hit me until I saw the two lines on that little white stick. I was pregnant.
At first I just cried, out of excitement, fear, etc.. We had planning to do.
Little did I realize our "bundle of joy" wouldn't exactly fit into his plans. He became distant, moody, down right rude. He accused me of cheating; this child wasn't his. It got so bad, I left.
I figured, "Hey, I may only be 20, but I can do this."
I would talk with my friend for hours, but I was convinced to have this baby. Maybe she had a lot to do with my decision, maybe not, but after about a week I found myself looking on the internet and in the phone book for abortion clinics in my area. I found one, and within that day my insurance was accepted, and I had an appointment in a week.
I pushed it out of my mind, and thought, "If I can just be strong, once it's all over, I'll be ok." Wrong.
I was in that waiting room forever, with her and my mother. All my friends and family knew I was pregnant. I had to come up with a good "miscarriage" story. I found out that day I was almost 4 months.
When the nurse was talking to me, my folder was open wide, and I saw the sonogram pictures. I saw the child, in detail, I was about to murder.
My mom went in the room with me. I got an I.V., and the next thing I knew, I was waking up, crying hysterically.
The doctor yelled at me because I was scaring the other patients.
The drugs wore off quickly. I only spent 15 minutes in recovery. I went home and slept.
When I woke up, that's when it hit me. I am a murderer, why am I not in prison?
My life fell apart, and even though I had a very nice boyfriend, it wasn't enough.
I didn't value my life. I was sleeping around, unprotected. Guess what? Uh huh, pregnant again. No clue who the father was since I had slept with a different guy every night that week.
I thought, "You know what you have to do."
My boyfriend was away with the Marines. I couldn't keep this baby, it's not his, and he'd know it.
The same friend came with me to the 2nd appointment, but had to leave to go to work.
I thought, "I'm early enough, I'll just take the pill this time, it'll be a lot easier." Wrong again.
You are fully awake, and you have the power. You take the pill. Then you go home and have to insert more, so you can lay around and feel and see your unborn child bleed out of you.
It has been a year since the 2nd one, and I cannot begin to describe the thoughts that still haunt me. I feel guilty, dirty, slutty. I killed 2 innocent babies.
I have been to therapy, didn't really help. It got so bad I spent 2 days in a nut house scared to death of what I was going to do to myself.
I know I am not alone. But I wish I had visited this site before I visited the one for the abortion clinic.
* Not her real name
