April 10, 2003
Hello, this is my story, written from a 3rd person point of view. It seemed too real to write “I.” Thanks for reading, and I hope this helps women everywhere.
The Beginning of the End
It was January 9, 2003 and Christmas break was almost over. They had decided that the best thing to do was have an abortion.
They were 18 and 19, unstable, and very selfish. She had gone over to her ex-boyfriend's dorm room the night before the procedure to spend the night.
Her parents, family, and friends still had no idea about the battle going on inside her head. Her ex was ready to get it over with and move on with his life, and she was completely devastated as to what she was about to go through with.
They woke up that morning around 9:30am and got ready to leave around 10:45am.
It was an hour's drive to the clinic, and they were a little late getting there. She got really sick on the way there and she was secretly hoping they would miss the appointment so she wouldn't have to go through with it.
Well, to her dismay, they arrived shortly after 12:00 [noon], and started filling out the paperwork.
She looked around the waiting room and saw all kinds of girls, many of whom she would have never identified with until meeting in that room on that terrible day.
Some seemed to have no remorse and some were very upset. She still did not know what to think and tried to block out all the bad feelings.
As she went through the blood test, urine test, ultrasound, etc, she knew she was making a mistake.
She found out that she was 10 weeks, 4 days along, a lot farther than she had expected. She was told she would have a surgical abortion, and had to watch a video on what, exactly, they would be doing. She could barely watch. She didn't want to know what was about to happen to her. She just wanted to run out of that horrible place.
Each time she considered leaving, she thought about her ex, sitting out in the waiting room in the shirt she had just given him for Christmas, looking so cute and innocent. She thought about how hard he had worked for his full ride in college, and how much he had overcome in life. She couldn't imagine disappointing him, or ruining his future, so she told herself she was doing the right thing.
After sitting in the waiting room for about 3 hours, they called her name for counseling. She was really dreading it because she knew she couldn't handle talking about it. When the counselor told her to repeat these words, “I am confident about my decision to have the abortion,” she lost it. She said them out loud, but without any meaning at all. The counselor knew she didn't want to do it, and just looked at her with the saddest face. She finally calmed herself down, and acted OK with her decision so she could leave the room.
She prayed each time she walked back out to the waiting room that her ex would say, “Never mind, I want our baby,” but unfortunately that never happened.
About 30 more minutes went by and her name was called. She walked back to the operating room in total fear, her body numb, and she couldn't speak.
As she laid on that cold table, she had flashbacks of her wonderful childhood and said “goodbye” to the happy, innocent girl she once was. This was it, and there was no turning back.
The nurses, who were quite unfriendly, struggled to get the IV in, and she just lay there in shock hoping it was a nightmare she'd soon wake up from. The last song she heard on the old radio in the corner, “Life Goes On” by LeeAnn Rimes is now a frequent reminder of that painful experience.
As she was drifting off to sleep, she saw the doctor come in, and then she felt his rough hands on her body. She was moving around and wanted to yell at him to make him stop, but nothing came out, only echoing cries deep within her soul. She begged God to make it all end, but it was too late. She had not stood up for herself, or her baby, and she would regret it for the rest of her life. She could hear and feel everything that was going on, and the pain was unbearable. She was struggling so much and all the nurses were yelling at her and holding her down.
Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, it was all over. She woke up to a bright spinning room and instantly felt the emptiness inside her. She walked out to the recovery room with a nurse's help and sat in a recliner. She was still really drugged up but was in a lot of pain. It was after 5:00pm when she finally got to leave that day, and the waiting room was empty except for her ex.
As she walked toward the only familiar face she'd seen in hours, she realized that her relationship with him would never ever be the same. They could never be that perfect couple they had been only 9 months before at her senior prom. She knew they'd never get back together again and he could not give her the support she needed.
Her heart began to ache at that moment, and it has not stopped aching since. That once beautiful, intelligent, and talented girl can now barely get herself out of bed in the morning, she can't see her ex anymore because he has moved on with a new girlfriend. She has a deep emotional attachment for the father of her baby that was lost, her parents have disowned her, and many of her friends have turned their backs on her. And all because she made a big mistake and tried to take the easy way out.
Little did she know that it would be much harder than facing the consequences of her actions.
January 9, 2003 was an end to a seemingly perfect life filled with love, happiness, and hope for the future, and the beginning of a downward spiral and a never-ending battle to be herself again. She lives day to day with the reality that she can never go back to the way things were, and that in one day she lost the 2 people she loved most.
Put simply, it was the beginning of the end to an amazing life.
* Not her real name
