July 08, 2003
I am in my thirties, and have had two abortions.
Losing my children have changed my life forever.
This is my story…
My first abortion occurred in 1987, months after losing my father to illness. My way of dealing with my grief was to “attach” myself to anyone who was there for me at the time. I met someone through my job, became close intimately, then beyond our worst fears, I became pregnant.
My pregnancy was the product of an affair. My husband and I have been estranged from each other during the course of my father's death, and like I said earlier, I needed someone to cling to during my loss.
The father of my baby had been preparing to move to another state when all this happened. He was 24, I was 23. He said the only way out, was to have an abortion. Also, my family supported that decision. My mother, out of fear, and my sister, because she, herself, had an abortion, and said I must weigh the “good of all” versus the “good of one”. My sister is a practicing Scientologist, and this was a motto of theirs.
My sister took me to several abortion clinics, and told me “you need to handle this”. Weeks later, in a flood of emotions, I drove with the father to Dallas, Texas, and killed my child.
The next day he sent me back on the plane to face my husband, and the rest of my life, alone.
For years after the abortion, I went from relationship to relationship, trying to find happiness.
The only way I could survive the rest of my life was to think about the day when I can get pregnant again, to fill that awful void.
Two years later, I reunited with the father, after divorcing my husband. I became pregnant, and this time, there was no way I would give up my child.
He is now 11, and the best thing that has ever happened to me. I believe in my heart that I wanted to reunite with the father to somehow “recreate” the child I had lost.
I have my aborted child's brother, who I love dearly. But, they are not one in the same. They are two different people, and having an abortion distorts all logical thinking. All you know is, I want my child back, at any cost…
I wish I could say my story ends here. But, with abortion, the effects linger on…
Ten years later, I was dating an Islamic guy who wanted (I thought), to give me the world. He was very family oriented, funny, loving, and wanted to have children.
And after 10 years of still grieving for my aborted child, the thought of having a family, a real family, drew me close to him.
He was in College at the time, in his late 20's, I was 33. I fell head over heals for him.
We dated for about a year, and then I became pregnant with my third child. Upon him finding out I was pregnant, he first demanded for me to abort the baby. Then later changed his mind.
His personality changed rapidly. He was no longer the loving, funny man I knew. He became controlling, even frightening, at times. He told me that my 5 year old son, the baby, and myself, will go live in the Middle East with his family, and that we would become Muslim. (I am a Christian.) He said, we could come back and visit my family occassionally.
After hearing this, I went to a friend's house and told her of what he had planned. The night before my son and I were supposed to “visit” his family in their country, my friend brought me a tape of “Not without my daughter”. This movie impacted me so much that I cancelled my trip, and a few days later had an abortion.
I regret this decision more than anything in the world. I wish I would have trusted God more, and trusted that he would protect my children and me from what I was facing. Instead, I panicked, and went to the clinic.
During the “procedure” I woke up, and being very drowsy, I realized what I was doing. I tried to sit up and stop them. They forced me back down, and said it was “too late”. Till this day, I wonder truly if it was too late.
The above experience has changed me forever. Sure, I can get counseling, and I know through God's love, I am forgiven. The problem is, you never forget.
I have had, in the past, severe bouts of depression where I had to be hospitalized.
And there is not a day that does not go by without missing my kids. They will forever be a part of me, and I, of them.
There is a perpetual lie that is sold to America, now. That lie is “just do it” — make your life easier. The truth is, it never gets easier, the memories never fade. And as long as I live, I will carry the regrets I have with me, on my journey towards healing. Please do not let family or friends go through this tremendous tragedy. It will change the lives of the mother and child forever…
* Not her real name
