August 21, 2003
I was 20 years old. I had been dating this guy for a few months. He was very abusive, so I broke of the relationship.
A month after we stopped dating, I found out I was pregnant. I was at school when I took the pregnancy test. I could not believe it.
I was still living at home with my mom and step-dad. When my mom found out she said I should have an abortion, because the guy would be in my life for the rest of my life, and she did not want my step-dad to find out.
When I told my best friend, she also said I should have an abortion. She said it was no big deal. She'd had one before. She even told me she would pay for it, and I could pay her back.
I decided to have the abortion. My best friend and another girl met me at the abortion clinic in Atlanta. It was November 1994.
I went in, and they did an ultrasound. They would not let you see the screen. I was not put to sleep because I was told it was better not to be. I remember everything about that day. It was horrifying. I remember thinking that I had just murdered my child. When I was leaving the clinic, and saw my best friend, the first words I said to her was that she lied to me, and I hated her.
But what I really meant was that I hated myself.
It has been 9 years, and I still remember that day like it was yesterday. I have had lots of anger and regret from this.
I could not tell you how many times I have asked God to forgive me. I was very upset one night, and I was talking to my husband (he is very loving and understanding), and he said, “God forgave you the first time you asked, now you need to forgive yourself.”
It took me 9 years to do that.
* Not her real name
