November 06, 2003
In 1996 when I fell pregnant with what might have been our third child. It was unplanned.
I had always been against abortion, as I myself was adopted, but I was panicked by circumstances of health, finance and the fact that my husband did not want me to go through another pregnancy.
Also, I was worried about my career, but that was not the main factor.
I could not make an appointment with our usual doctor for a fortnight. I saw an ad on the tube that said British Pregnancy Advisory Service. This gave me the impression you got neutral advice. I made a phone enquiry. They asked me in for an appointment.
I thought that there was no harm in finding things out, as I did not know anything about abortions, other than friends seemed miserable afterwards.
My husband had no moral concerns about abortion, and we went to the appointment together. I cried a lot, but every time I mentioned a baby, I was told by my husband, and counsellor, that the reality was, there was no baby. I was told the children I had were more important.
When I saw the Drs who signed my forms they asked me if I was sure. I said no, but they said well as sure as you can be.
I did have an abortion. I was given a leaflet that said that most women are relieved afterwards, but you can expect a bit of depression.
I am now in counselling, having suppressed the memory of the clinic. It now comes back to me as a trauma I can barely survive.
The day after the abortion, when I woke up I was devastated. The grief was worse than when my mother had died the previous year.
I went to church and was consoled by the vicar. A few days later I said to my husband that I didn't think I could ever get over it. I didn't seek help, as I had no idea this was anything other than an abnormal reaction.
At Christmas, when the baby was due, I drank heavily and had emotional outbursts. I then tried to get back to normal, and think positive, that I had done it for good reasons.
I tried to believe what I had been told: that this was not a baby, and that abortion was an improvement in science. This worked for about two and a half years, until I was going to work as normal and suffered a physical shock to my body, at a train station, when I saw a hallucination of a dead baby.
I have always been sensible. I hold down a professional job as a criminal lawyer. I could not believe what was happening. I did recover and pushed away that event.
About two years later, at Christmas, I woke to see a boy at my door. I thought it was my son, but it was a younger boy. He ran away, and I went to look for him.
I thought there were three children in the house.
He came to me a couple more times, and I realised who he was. He was the boy I might have had. Even my husband who saw things differently has had the same dream.
The years have been full of good times, but there has been an underlying strain. I only once felt peace in Church when I learned God has never been unforgiving.
This year, and the previous three years, I have constantly relieved the experience in my head but with a different outcome.
This year the whole trauma came back, to my body, like a physical shock.
I have suffered flashbacks, depression, and severe grief, and was on the brink of suicide when I found help.
My husband repeatedly says, "I can't believe this has done this to you. I thought you would be sad for a while then all right."
My daughter told my husband that, when I was in the bath, I didn't need to turn the taps on as my tears were falling so much.
I can assure you I am not a dramatic person. I would love to be my usual self for the sake of myself and everyone else. It is not a case of other problems in my life.
When a friend told me to get help, and I phoned the helpline, I thought I was mad and would die of grief. I could not believe it when I was told my reaction was natural.
I have since learnt of the suffering of many others. Yet, in England the Royal College of Obstetrician and Gynaecologists still advise there are no psychological side effects (except for some women who are disturbed anyway).
The BPAS still give no warning of any possible consequences.
The suffering is unimaginable, and is clouding my memories of the happy times with the other children. My marriage is under strain because of this.
I can only hope I recover, as my counsellor tells me I will.
At the centre, last night, I met an older lady there for the same reason. My counsellor is getting constant calls for help. This is with absolutely no advertising whatsoever.
I believe that, as abortion has only been legal for such a short time, and that the subject is taboo, that no proper long-term research has been done.
At the consultation, I was told you can feel regret whatever you do.
What I feel does not compare to regret. It is a living nightmare.
When I saw my usual Dr, lately, because of this I said, "Is this normal". He told me that it is very normal. He has women much, much worse than me. He has offered to send me to a psychologist if I do not recover through counselling.
