March 10, 2004
I am 24 years old, and I had an abortion on February 20th, 2004.
I've named my baby Tahi (Maori for the number 1).
I got pregnant to a friend, who already has a child, and he said that abortion was the only option.
I thought about it so much — do I ruin his child's life, do I ruin my child's life by having a baby who will never have, and never know, his/her father?
I couldn't bear to tell my parents and, now, I so wish I had.
The morning we drove to the clinic was awful. I cried most of the way there. But, what was even more strange was, when I got there, I became very clinical — like I was having a standard operation.
I do have to say, though, the nurse who talked to me, beforehand, was so nice and informative and kept giving me the option to back out. I wish I'd listened to her.
When I took the pills, that soften the cervix, I knew there was no going back, and I suddenly had shockwaves go through me that this was it.
One of the pills that I took was a relaxant, and now it all seems very hazy. I went into the surgery room, lay on the bed, and anyone that says that the procedure doesn't hurt that much, is lying.
I know everyone is different, but it hurt more than anything I've ever known. The nurses held my hands, and I squeezed so tight, and cried out, and then the doctor said it was over.
I couldn't believe that it was so quick, and now my baby was gone.
They had to put me in a wheelchair, to take me back to my room, because I felt like I would faint.
My recovery, physically, has been good, no complications. But, spiritually, emotionally, and mentally, it has been so hard.
I cry most days, and not a day goes by where I don't think of my baby. The pain in my heart, and the love I feel for my child, seem to contradict each other, which makes it worse.
To all the girls who've been through this — my heart goes out to you, and your babies. And to all the girls who are considering having a termination, please know that there are plenty of us out there who know that it seems like a quick fix decision, and physically you can be OK, but emotionally? — spiritually? That is something that will be affected one way or another.
